Please Forgive Me

“Please forgive me” I think,
As I trace the wrinkles,
On your bearded cheek,

Please forgive me for when I was two,
And screamed and cried,
Robbing you of sleep,

And for when I was five,
And rammed my bicycle so hard in your leg,
You limped for a week,

“Please forgive me” I whisper
As you stare out the window
At swirling specks of dust,

Please forgive me for when I was 8,
And first lied to you,
Broke your trust,

And the disappointment on your face,
As you taught me,
That honesty is a must

“Please forgive me” I say,
Even though you don’t hear,
And look out with unseeing eyes,

Please forgive me the teenage tantrums,
And rebellion,
And every roll of my eyes

And for my callous disregard,
My sulking silences,
My condescending sighs,

“Please forgive me” I cry,
Even though you don’t remember,
You don’t understand,

Please forgive those moments now long gone,
I could have spent with you,
Lost moments in the sand,

And the rage that overtakes me,
Of helplessness and frustration,
Of more sadness than I can stand,

Please forgive me,
Though you no longer know the words,
No longer know me,

 

Please forgive me for not knowing how to fight a war,
How to beat,
An invisible enemy,

And for letting you go,

Piece by piece,

I’m so sorry.

 

 

Tick Tock

He told her to wait for him,

And she tried

Desperately

To hold onto barely there wisps,

Of a relationship,

Formed when they were nineteen

 

But when days turned to weeks,

And weeks into months,

She grew hard and cold,

As each passing winter,

Left its mark on her.

 

Fear is an interesting thing,

As it merges with each breath,

You inhale into weary lungs,

And drums along,

With hopeless heartbeats,

 

Till you no longer remember,

A world without it,

A life without it,

And it consumes you,

And your empty shell of patience.

 

She had waited,

Far too long she decided,

And tied her life,

With apron strings and wedding rings,

To another man,

 

All to escape her fear,

Of being alone,

And hollow,

And to silence the endless countdown,

Of an inner clock.

 

But in a grey home,

In a grey world,

With a grey man,

She found herself still waiting,

And she didn’t even know for what

 

Waiting for color,

And noise,

And her tired forlorn heart

To beat with something,

Instead of just blood

 

And she soon realized,

Being without fear,

Can sometimes be its own cage

And sometimes sorrow,

Can be worth the pain

 

But it doesn’t matter now,

As she waits for

That elusive something,

Tick tock

She whispers mockingly to herself

Tick tock

Mama, Am I a Woman Yet?

My mother told me,

Only big girls wear lipstick,

 

Five years old,

And her red one,

Is smeared all over my mouth,

Mama, am I a woman yet?

 

My sister told me,

I would change,

 

Eleven years old

And I feel it happening,

See it in the mirror,

Mama, am I a woman yet?

 

Daddy told me,

To be careful when I go out now,

 

Thirteen years old,

And men watch me on streets,

And though I don’t know why,

Mama, am I a woman yet?

 

The other girls told me,

Love is a part of growing up,

 

Fifteen years old,

And a boy in class,

Looks so cute,

Mama, am I a woman yet?

 

My friends told me,

Heartbreak made you wiser

 

Sixteen years old,

And crying,

Because he likes someone else,

Mama, am I a woman yet?

 

The boys say,

I’m not pretty enough,

 

Eighteen years old,

And too much make up,

And tight clothes that aren’t mine,

Mama, am I woman yet?

 

Men say,

I know nothing of the world,

 

Twenty-one,

And I hear the words they use about us girls,

And it makes me sick inside

Mama, am I a woman yet?

 

He says,

Until I trust, I’ll never know,

 

Twenty-five,

He left me,

Promises unfulfilled

Mama, am I a woman yet?

 

Today I said,

I don’t care what they say,

 

And Mama says,

Smiling at me,

With her red lipsticked mouth,

Baby, you’re a woman now.

I’m Okay

“Nothing is wrong” she says assuredly,

Turning her eyes away so you can’t see red rims,

 

“Everything’s fine” she laughs playfully,

Moving her face to the side as her smile dims.

 

“I’m not hiding anything” she protests earnestly,

As she tugs her sleeve lower over her arms,

 

“It’s nothing” she denies smilingly,

As you see grooves of nail marks on her palms,

 

“I’m not scared” she shakes her head fervently,

While her clutching fingers turn white

 

“Don’t worry” she pleads beseechingly,

As she stays awake all night,

 

“I’ll be better tomorrow” she claims hopefully,

As tears leak unseen on her pillow

 

“I’m okay” she lies whisperingly,

The truth they won’t ever know.

The Monster Inside Me

I put the eggs on his plate,
He pours milk in my coffee,
I smile at him,
And he smiles back at me,
But he doesn’t know,
And he doesn’t see,
The monster that’s there,
Inside of me

He calls me from his office,
I was staring with dead eyes at the wall,
No honey, everythings okay,
Nothing wrong at all,
He doesn’t hear,
And he doesn’t see,
He doesn’t know,
There’s a monster inside of me.

He makes a silly joke,
As we go out to eat,
I laugh and put my mask on.
As he pulls out my seat,
Because he shouldn’t know,
Shouldn’t have to see,
Shouldn’t have to live,
With the monster inside of me.

He calls me sweet names,
And holds my hand in the car,
I quietly smooth over the band-aid,
That’s hiding my new scar,
Because he can’t know,
He can’t ever see,
He mustn’t find out,
There’s a monster inside of me.

He tells me he loves me,
As he kisses me goodnight,
I pull the blankets over us,
There’s a cold within me tonight,
I won’t let him feel it,
I won’t let him see,
I won’t let him find out,
There’s a monster inside of me.

But I can’t stop the sobs,
That choke me every night,
He asks sleepily what’s wrong,
I whisper “I’m alright”
Because I am as long as he doesn’t know,
For his sake I pray and plea,
I’ll save him from ever knowing,
The monster inside me.

Black and Blue

Whenever they’ve asked me,
I’ve always said,
My favorite colors
Are black and blue.

My badge of honor,
My mark of shame,
My last memories
Of you

The color of the sky,
And freedom unbound,
And the color of,
Jail cell bars

The color of turbulent
Storms and water,
The color of the backdrop,
Of the stars.

The color of ink,
On a last letter goodbye,
The color of molten wax,
That made the seal.

The color of serenity
Of peace after war,
The color of mourning,
Of the numbness I feel,

The color of bruises,
And battles,
And hopelessness,
Of you

Everytime they asked me,
I said,
My favorite colors,
Are black and blue.

I Looked for You

I looked for You,

In the quiet watches of the dark,

In the silence of the night,

 

 

I looked for You,

In the brilliant glow of dawn,

In the morning sunlight

 

 

I looked for You,

In musty old pages,

Of books written long ago,

 

 

I looked for You,

In the words of the past,

In the promises of tomorrow,

 

 

But when I did find You,

It was in the last places,

I chose to look to,

 

 

It was in me,

In my soul,

That I finally found You,

 

 

I found You,

Waiting,

Arms spread out for me,

 

 

I found You in laughter,

In joy,

In a childish smile of glee,

 

 

I found You in waiting,

In sorrow,

In every tear I shed,

 

 

I found You in black,

In white,

In shades of blood red,

 

 

I found You in life,

In the miracle,

Of every breath

 

 

And at last I found You,

Waiting for me,

When I closed my eyes in Death

From Up Above

Years and years,

Of missing you

Of an empty seat,

In the room,

 

 

Tales they still tell me,

Of you and your greatness,

Of how for them,

You hung the moon.

 

 

They called you perfect,

With tears in their eyes,

And hearts still,

Overbrimming with love,

 

 

And I hope you can hear us,

Hope you smile seeing us,

Watching down on us,

From up above.

 

 

Faded memories,

Of your hands,

Emphasizing points,

While you speak wise words,

 

 

Eating apples you cut for me,

A game of cat and mouse

A walk in the park,

With the birds.

 

 

Memories that with such care,

I try to preserve.

Black and white with a scent,

Of old books,

 

 

Of smiles,

Your blackframed glasses,

Your cultured tone,

And amused looks

 

 

Always wishing we had had,

A little longer,

A few years,

So their stories could have been mine,

 

 

Always hoping you are happy,

Smiling with angels around you,

Waiting till I can join you

And find

 

 

The hero of the tales,

They still tell me,

With tears in their eyes,

And hearts filled with love,

 

 

I’m waiting for the day we can join you,

And smile and laugh,

Looking down,

From up above.

Yet Another Day

The words pop up,

Out of songs,

The books I read

 

And I remember.

 

It would have been years,

Years of beauty

Of Joy

 

Come this November.

 

I’ll hear your voice in the crowd,

As I walk down streets,

Head bowed down

 

I close my eyes in pain.

 

The memories come up

So unexpectedly

Out of nowhere

 

I can’t face being alone again.

 

My heart clutches

I see you everywhere

All the time

 

But you’re no longer here.

 

I know it’s time to be strong

Move on

Move forward

 

But to where?

 

So let me cry a little longer

Grieve

And mourn

 

Just a little bit more

 

Till I no longer pick up the phone

Expecting your bright hello

Till I don’t wish to see your face,

 

Every time I walk to the door.

 

Just a little time longer,

To sit on the bench

Where we first met

 

When all our beauty just started.

 

Let me think of you,

All of you,

Most especially,

 

How soon you departed

 

Then, when I’m stiff and cold,

From having sat too long

And cried too much

 

I’ll get up and walk away

 

Never looking back,

Wiping the last tear

Saying goodbye and facing alone,

 

Yet another day.

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She Says It’s Okay

She says its okay

In the silence of our room,
In the dark of the night,
Where I can’t see her face,
Or her eyes,
And I don’t want to see them either

She says its okay

In her soft, croaky voice,
That breaks in between
And catches on each syllable,
As if forcing them through
Bruised throat
And split lips

She says its okay

As she struggles
Not to move too much,
But she sometimes can’t help it,
And her words mingle,
With moans of pain,
And gasps

She says it’s okay

Even as she holds her side,
There may have been a broken rib,
This time,
Even as the bruises spread across her skin,
Like ripples on a water,
Just as silently,
Just as wide

She says it’s okay

As tears run down her face,
Making her wince,
As it goes over swollen cheekbones,
And the still open wound
On her lip,
Running through with her blood

She says it’s okay,

As once again,
Like so many night before,
I sink to my knees before her
And cry into her lap,
While she hesitantly moves
Her hand through my hair,
Like a startled dove

She says it’s okay,

Even while she trembles with shock,
At what my rage has done,
That other me did,
Like I’ve done before,
Even though, like now,
I promised to never do it again

She says it’s okay
But we both know it’s not.