Last Sane Part of Me

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It’s sorta breaking apart,

Like it always does.

 

Like petals falling off a rose,

Like the leaves off a tree.

 

Its sort of just crumbling,

All the things that make me, me.

 

They tell me impatiently

To fight the dark, send it away.

 

They turn around pityingly,

At my attempts to face the day.

 

They say I don’t try enough,

Don’t even try at all

 

While I hold myself from the edge

And try not to fall

 

Arms I’ve wrapped around me,

To keep me from breaking

 

Holding me tightly,

Stopping the shaking

 

What do I do about tears

That never stop falling?

 

What do I say back to the voices,

That never stop calling?

 

Where do I go,

To find a peace never meant for my reach?

 

How do I learn,

All the cruel lessons life tries to teach?

 

I watch it break apart,

Like the last note of a symphony.

 

I watch it break apart,

That last sane part of me.

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Whims of I #3 Woman

 

I am gentleness

When life is hard

I am warmth

In the cold night

 

I am calmness

When all around are storms,

In the darkness,

I am iridescent light

 

I am tears in

An unfeeling crowd

And I am smiles

When fear holds all still

 

If none will bend

I am subtle compromise,

And if all fold,

I am firm will

 

I am softness

And emotional depth

I am comfort

A shoulder to cry on

 

I am the stars,

In a dark sky

I am the Sun,

On the horizon,

 

I am color,

In stark grey

I give up principles

For no man

 

I am wife, daughter,

Sister, motherhood,

I am love,

I am Woman

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Let You Go

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I can see now,

I have to let you go,

 

It was a dream,

An illusion,

It was hope,

It was delusion

 

I can see now,

I have to let you go,

 

I will have to watch,

The memories fade away,

Second by second,

Blurring day by day,

 

I can see now,

I have to let you go,

 

It was never,

Meant to be,

There was never a chance,

Of you and me,

 

I can see now,

I have to let you go,

 

Will you let me say farewell,

Hold you close for goodbye,

Will you wipe my tears one last time,

As I give in and cry

 

I can see now,

I have to let you go

 

I can see our past,

Shatter like fragile glass,

The future turns from light to dark,

Alone, I must pass

 

I can see now,

I have to let you go,

 

I can see my own scars

Re-open and bleed me dry,

And pain, excruciating, drown me,

I couldn’t fight it if I tried

 

I can see now,

I have to let you go,

 

Our paths diverge, disconnect,

I smile sadly as you go alone,

You’ll make it to the other side,

Without me, I know,

 

But I will never understand

Why you let me go.

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The Riders are Coming

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Sing softly to the dark..

The riders are coming

The riders are coming

 

From a distance, a coyote calls,

Can you hear the drumming?

Can you hear the drumming?

 

The wind softly whispers in your hair,

The torches are aflame,

The torches are aflame,

 

The moon is full tonight,

They call your name,

They call your name,

 

The trees blow gently about

Where are we going?

Where are we going?

 

The grass trembles and sways

A storm is growing,

A storm is growing,

 

Metal glints in the night

But the enemy is so far!

The enemy is so far!

 

Eyes glow in the silent wood

It is time for war.

It is a time for war.

 

The world holds still just before dawn,

But yet it is thrumming,

Yet it is thrumming,

 

Sing softly to the dark,

Because the riders are coming,

The riders are coming.

Posted in Camouflage, Fire, History, War | 1 Comment

Shielded Heart

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I’ve controlled myself,

Bit by bit,

Lesson by lesson,

To turn to ice,

To steel,

To a shield.

 

Every word you say,

That sinks like poison into flesh,

And cold into bones,

I’ve stored up,

And molded,

And shaped,

Till it became my protector.

 

Every time you turned your face away,

And left me rejected,

Feeling worthless,

Insignificant,

I took that too,

And strengthened myself on my tears.

 

Your anger and your taunts,

Your burning words of hate,

When I only wanted love,

Are the memories that,

Toughened me up bit by bit,

Till my skin was iron,

And no more of your darts could penetrate.

 

Your indifference, and the way you,

Never listened,

Never cared,

Was all the hurt I needed,

To complete my shield,

One more material forged,

From your inflicted pain.

 

All my broken dreams,

My shattered pride,

And bruised soul,

Rebelled within me,

Silently,

So you would never know

 

I’m  bitter and I’m angry,

But at least I can say

I survived

So thank you for that,

For all the lessons

For my shield,

But now it’s time to go.

 

Here’s to moving on,

To growing stronger,

Each day,

On hate,

Here’s to living on,

Being brave,

Forgetting apologies,

Come too late.

 

Here is to my shielded heart.

Protected now,

With barbs of iron,

And locks of steel,

Here is to pain and memories,

And a life of never having known,

The fake

From the real

Posted in Anger, Betrayal, Memories, Pain, Uncategorized | 1 Comment

I Meant

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I meant to save you,

I did.

 

I lived to see you smile.

 

I meant to shove away

Your darkness.

 

I think I did for a while.

 

But some people are just meant

To be broken.

 

Shattered pieces of glass.

 

Some things are just,

Past saving.

 

They were never meant to last.

 

I meant to open up doors,

In your world.

 

I meant to set you free.

 

I forgot to close some doors though,

I forgot

 

To save you from me.

 

Believe me when

I say

 

I only wish you the best.

 

I suppose in order to,

Do that.

 

It’s me you’ll have to forget.

 

I only meant to

Save you.

 

From the demons inside you.

 

I’m sorry I couldn’t

Save you.

 

You didn’t want me to.

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A Short Tale of Marital (Non) Bliss

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It was joy

It was heaven

To be loved

To be cared for

 

There was light

There was laughter

More than

Ever before

 

Before him,

I was small,

I was sad

There was no me

 

He made me come alive

I danced

I played

I was carefree

 

 

I dared to trust

Dared to dream

Built up hopes

For a better life

 

I saw children

And a house

And flowers

As I became his wife

 

Till one day

He called me up

He was leaving

He’d be gone

 

It was over,

We were over,

I was left behind

All alone,

 

All of me broke

All of me died

I was numb

I cried

 

I called him back

“You said you loved me”

He said to me

“I lied”

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The Sins of the Father

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I was vulnerable,

A child.

Too damn young,

To deal with the hate,

And the slurs,

The looks,

The sneers,

That should have been for you.

 

Sitting in your high house,

With your beauty pageant wife,

And the required two point zero perfect kids,

Who would never know want,

Or sorrow,

Or bleak despair.

 

While me and my mother,

We exist day to day,

Her bitterness my food,

My drink her tears,

In the hovel at the end of the street,

Away from you,

But never far enough.

 

I didn’t even know

I was different,

Despised,

Till I was eight,

Wanting to play ball,

With the other kids,

Wanting to smile.

 

Along came the mothers,

Pulling their children with them,

Into houses with closed blinds,

And judging eyes that followed,

Me as I walked home,

Confused and hurt.

 

I heard the word then more often,

In the corridors of school,

At the store where Mama

Sent me to buy the cheapest brands,

When I crossed people in the street,

Walking alone,

Always alone.

 

That word, my name,

The only thing they call me,

Because of you,

And your selfishness,

Because of my Mama,

And her blind trust,

Because that’s just how the world works.

 

The sins of the father

Shall be the sins of the son,

And I pay everyday,

In this prison of a town,

For the sin of the weak man,

Who holds power over,

A woman who dared to dream,

Of fairy tales.

 

I see your eyes in the mirror,

Every morning of each dismal day,

Your eyes that dart away,

If they see me by chance,

Your children oblivious,

Your wife’s lips grow tight,

I may just as well,

Be invisible.

 

But I’m less than invisible aren’t I?

As the town judges me,

And my beautiful broken mother,

Who can’t leave this prison,

Because you destroyed her life,

And tie the remains to this hell,

With your thrice accursed money.

 

I’ll get out soon,

And take her with me,

To new places,

New faces,

That won’t know my name.

 

But I’ll always remember it,

Each time I see your eyes in the mirror,

And I’ll whisper it slowly,

To remind myself.

 

The sins of the father,

Shall be the sins of the son.

Even if that son’s name

Is bastard.

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Just A Few Steps Away

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I’m just a few steps away

From the end of the line,

Just a few steps away

From when everything’s not fine

 

When the plastic smile cracks

And the worlds shatters to the ground

Where there’s a hallowing silence

That follows me around

 

Just a few steps away

To the edge of the cliff

A place of dead laughter

And hearts grown stiff

 

So close to being numb enough

Enough to not care at all,

To just sink in my corner

And make myself small

 

Just a few steps away

From peace of mind

The bliss of a quiet heart

Silence can be kind

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Imparfait

(Translation: Imperfect)

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They are jagged scars on my arm,

Did you know?

Do you care?

 

I cried when I cut them into flesh,

Didn’t you flinch?

Didn’t you hear?

 

There was blood in the sink when I came out,

Did you see?

Did you wash it away?

 

I’m losing myself to pain, to agony,

Do you mourn?

Do you pray?

 

The blades are missing from all the razors,

Haven’t you wondered?

Haven’t you feared?

 

The next cut maybe fatal, maybe my last?

Don’t you worry?

Aren’t you scared?

 

Each scar is begging for a reaction,

Won’t you finally speak?

Won’t you look at me?

 

I wear short sleeves around you

Why won’t you react?

Why won’t you see?

 

The scars spell out a word,

Are you curious?

Would you like to know?

 

It’s a word you’ve always called me,

Before you just gave up on me,

And let the gap between us grow

 

The word echoes in my head,

As I cut,

As I bleed

 

It resounds in our silent house,

A silent reproach from you,

From me a desperate plea

 

Carved forever on my skin

So you’ll always remember

So I’ll never forget

 

That word that hangs over our heads

White lines spelling

IMPERFECT.

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